May 3, 2009
Well, for only the second time in 6 weeks, we have our apartment to ourselves and I can't deny feeling a little relieved. As much as I love to have family visit, I do feel the need to take some time and reflect on life (and there is a lot to reflect on!) For starters being a mom is harder than I thought. I thought I was prepared for how demanding it would be, after all, I have been a nurse for almost 6 years and I am accustomed to taking care of other people. One thing I didn't take into account: at the end of the shift, whether it was 8 or 12 hours, I got to go home and unwind. I got to relax and try and process or forget about my day depending on how draining it was. Enter the crying baby: there is no end of the shift here. Still, you forget about how tired you are the moment she wakes up without crying and peers intently into your eyes, just like you forget how hard and long the labor was and how uncomfortable the pregnancy was the moment you get your hands on her after she is born. I still am struggling with anxiety and worry but I am trying to let go and let God take care of all of those things I have no control over but which terrify me. I pray for the ability to follow his will and relinquish my fear and worry. I really should be doing it more often though (praying). It is harder to make time for it when there is no routine but I really need to. Daily prayer throughout the last half of my pregnancy got me through every doctor appointment and even the day we were told, unexpectedly, that we had to go to the hospital to be induced. Hmm lots to ponder and process still. Hopefully I can make enough sense of things and get enough clarity to write about it more clearly in my next post.