I am an anxious person. I worry about all kinds of things, large and small. Lately I have been worrying a lot more than is probably good for me. I don't like to worry, it is kind of like self torture but I have such a hard time trying not to. I *know* I am supposed to pray and give it up to God, knowing he has infinite wisdom in his plan for me, for my life, for the lives of my loved ones. The thing is... I am still pretty new to my faith and it is not as rock solid as it should be sometimes. I have doubts, I have fears. Mostly I am afraid of death, my own and that of my loved ones. It seems like it should be irrational to fear it, especially since I have become Catholic. Don't get me wrong, the realization that this life is not all there is and that when it ends it doesn't mean that it is THE end for us has really brought me comfort. The problem is I still fall back into old habits and thinking patterns. I suppose it makes some sense since my whole life I had those doubts and fears and questions. I have only in the last 2 years begun to see life in a different way. It doesn't really help matters that I have a few health problems that surface from time to time and make me realize my mortality very acutely. One of them is problems with my heart rate and rhythm, another is an autoimmune disease that attacks my thyroid. I sometimes become overwhelmed with fear and I find I cannot be very inspired in the prayer department at those times when I probably most should be.
I have thought about going to talk with a priest about these things, but in the end I have a feeling that it will still be my struggle alone to deal with. Maybe it is a test or maybe it is my cross to bear... but lately it has been impacting my everyday life more and that is not good, or at least I am not dealing with it well and it is affecting my husband lately too. I have set goals in life which I am failing to meet and that causes me to be more frustrated and worried. I know I should pray more about it and I am going to make a serious effort to do so, but sometimes it is hard not knowing the answer. Maybe in the long run I will realize why things are the way they are now, and God's plan for me will be revealed. It is just so hard to see that from my small and limited perspective.
Sometimes I think maybe I am making mountains out of molehills. After all, I do not lack for food, shelter, clothing, or love in my life. Perhaps I am simply spoiled and ungrateful? I have a good job, or at least one that pays the bills and allows us to set some money aside for savings every month. Not to say that my job isn't stressful, but I am luckier than most people in this world.
Well that is enough venting from me for now. Hopefully it will help relieve some of the pressure and maybe now I can focus enough to go have a conversation with God and be patient enough to wait for his answer.