August 3, 2008

Having Faith

So. I think I have reached an obstacle in my spiritual development. For awhile now I have been dealing with issues of faith. Specifically faith that God has a plan for all of us and that we belong to him, not to ourselves. Most of this struggle has been centered around issues with death. My own death, the death of other people, sickness, etc. I tell myself to just "let God take care of things" and that, if he decided to take me or someone close to me tomorrow, not only could I not do anything about it, I also have to trust that he knows what is best for all of us. My selfish and self centered nature fights against this very strongly and all of this struggle manifests in severe anxiety and fear at times. My husband, wonderful man that he is, has tried his best to be as supportive as possible. He thinks that it may have something to do with the way I was raised. He thinks I never really dealt with the idea of death when I was young and now it is harder for me to deal with. He could be right... I don't know. All I know is that this is HARD. This fight against myself is one of the most difficult internal struggles I have ever experienced. Just trying to remain positive, not give into fear, and have hope... it is like a battle raging inside my head. I started reading "Love is Stronger Than Death". I forget the author offhand and I will let you know if it helps or not.

Meanwhile, we watched the movie "Bella" this weekend. All I can say is wow! What a wonderful, beautiful, sad, and life-affirming story. To say I cried would be an understatement. Of course, I have been more emotional than usual lately anyway but still. I think that movie will be on my Christmas shopping list for everyone in my family this year.

1 comment:

Jennifer F. said...

I'm sorry to hear of your struggles with this issue. I've also heard the Peter Kreeft's book called Heaven: The Heart's Deepest Longing is also a good (and inspiring) treatment of the subject.