December 15, 2010

I drive myself crazy

about many things. About the house not being clean, about dinner not being gourmet, about how I forgot to brush little bear's teeth yesterday morning, and the day before that..., about how much clutter there is on my bathroom counter right now (seriously, you can wash your hands but that is about it), about what the maintenance guy is going to think when (IF!!!!) he ever gets here to fix the gas leak in our stove (that's right people GAS LEAK!!! since we moved in. NOT fixed yet. but that brand of paranoia is a topic for another day.) About how much money we spend at the stupid walmart when we were waiting for 3 stupid hours to get stupid tires on my husband's car so he wouldn't die on the stupid blizzard covered road. I digress... where was I again? Oh yeah driving myself crazy. Ahem. Anyway, I worry because I only have ONE kid and I am not so good at this housekeeping/homemaking thing. I want everything to be perfect, for her, for my husband, for guests, for me too. I want to bake an apple pie every weekend and cook a 3 course breakfast every morning. I want to vacuum every day and mop at least once a week. I want to spend hours and hours playing with my little girl and thinking of new, creative, inventive, and fun things to do with her to both stimulate her development and keep her entertained. I want my husband to come home every night to soft music playing, candles, a delicious meal and, a blissfully calm and sweet little almost-2-year-old who will be happy to sit on his lap while he relaxes from his stressful day. Meanwhile I am supposed to be ever smiling, peaceful and calm, happy to bask in the glow of my clean house and contented family. Yeah, right, whatever. It doesn't happen people. Not by a long shot. Most of the time I am relieved if the toilet gets cleaned approximately once a week, my daughter is not screaming when my husband walks in the door, and our house doesn't smell like the cat box (don't get a cat, they poop in a box in your house, they scratch walls, and they puke all. the. time. We have 2.)
Anyway, I am rambling too much when really the whole point of this post was to share with you all something I read today. It goes kind of like this:
The quote that I thought applied to my knitting said: "As the Amish make their prized quilts with an intentional flaw, a flaw must be woven in to remind us that only God is perfect."

Did you just read that?

An intentional flaw! Because only God is perfect!

Oh, did I need to read that!"

WOW. I really needed to read that today. First I cried, then I smiled. Do you know what this means? I am not meant to be perfect. I am not GOD and I will never be perfect, or do anything perfectly. This doesn't mean I don't have to at least try to be better, to be the best version of myself possible, or to be the person God wants me to be. But it means I can cut myself a little slack sometimes. What a relief. Now if I can just remember this the next time my inner grumpy obsessive compulsive control freak rears it's ugly head.


Jonathan Hoaglund said...

Hi big sis :-) I really don't know how you do it. I am having trouble just cleaning my tiny little apartment, fixing the cars, and going to work. Having a beautiful little girl like that is an amazing thing, but I'm sure she can be a bit of a handfull. I just wanted to tell you that Kerry and I think of you often and really wish we could spend more time with you guys. Kerry always tries to tell me that I don't have to be superman, but now i think that it just runs in the family lol. I think we try to be that perfect shining example of what we know we could be capable of, if only there were 100 hours in a day. It might just be a pisces thing, but i know I am constantly trying to live up to the expectations I have of myself. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel ya sister. I never knew that being responsable meant always thinking of what needs to be done next :-)

I've actually learned a lot from Kerry... her days and nights were spent trying to please everyone but herself for most of her marriage. Cleaning all day and waiting for her husband to get off work (poor thing, the guy was a hopless workaholic).

I miss ya big sis and I wish I was there to see my little belle grow up and know her Uncle Jon. She is so adorable. I'm here for you if you are ever bored or just want to vent. I love you Amanda.


Anonymous said...

not good at the homemaking thing? naner, you knit actual useful clothing items (not just dishrags and potholders) and spin your own yarn. Yeah, yeah, you are thinking that you do that stuff just for you because you enjoy it, but really. Who else teaches themselves to spin yarn? And man, you've got one great brother.:)