November 23, 2009
Knowing God's will
Don't you just wish there was an instruction manual for life sometimes? I know I do! My husband and I have been struggling with what we should do about our situation for the last few months. Our situation is this: I am working, he hasn't been able to find work since he graduated in May and passed the BAR exam in July (results came in September) and we have a wonderful little high-needs (to borrow the Dr. Sears term) 8 month old daughter. Our goal when we got married was to have me stay home when we had small children and raise them while he supported the family. The economy being what it is right now, his job prospects aren't looking so good. He has literally sent out dozens and dozens of applications and not a single interview even. I have been praying and praying that he would get a job, even an interview, so that we could make the transition that we need to make, and praying for a sign of what we are supposed to do. It hasn't been good for our relationship for me to be the breadwinner right now and our daughter is starting a separation anxiety phase which is magnified because she is such an intense little thing and it seems to center around me. So we made a decision on Friday. We are moving home to live with family and will have to weather a period of uncertain income in order to make our goal of me being a stay at home mom a reality. The hardest thing about this decision has been that I just kept expecting some sort of 'sign' to appear. You know, a billboard saying "Happiness and security- 1 mile exit to the right" or something of that nature. But maybe sometimes the absence of a sign is enough of a nudge in the right direction. For example: I like my job, it is challenging enough to be interesting without being overwhelming and it is pretty fast paced (well, for the world of nursing anyway), however, lately it has been getting harder and harder for me to go to work and not feel overwhelmed by it. Things that shouldn't bother me do and it is getting harder and harder for me to leave my precious little girl in the morning when all she wants is her mama. It's like when we try to proceed in the direction of my job, me working and him staying home, it gets harder and harder with each step. But when we started thinking about moving home, things didn't exactly fall into place but it seemed like a way opened up for us. It hasn't been clear as day that this is the right choice for us but... It's like the days when you would call someone (before everyone had answering machines) and the phone would just ring and ring. At some point you just had to hang up and move on, call someone else, or whatever. It feels like we have just been waiting on the line forever and nobody is picking up, and maybe that is a clear enough sign to just move on. Jen over at Conversion Diary has written a lot of good posts about knowing God's will also and I have gotten immense insight from reading them. Does anyone else have any thoughts about this subject?