A Victory...

...posted over at FUMARE. Go read about it here.

I especially like the quote from the geneticist:

"Becoming a member of our species is conferred immediately upon conception. At the moment of conception a human being with 46 chromosomes comes into existence. These chromosomes, the organization, the chromosomal pattern is specifically human. The RNA, the messenger protein, the proteins are distinctly human proteins. So this new human being is a member of our species, and humanity is not acquired sometime along the path, it occurs right at conception. Dr. Peeters-Ney also stated that an embryo or fetus is whole in the sense that “[a]ll the genetic information sufficient and necessary to mature, and the information that is needed for this human being’s entire life is present at the time of conception”; that it is “separate from the mother” because “[t]he genetic program is totally complete and this human being will mature according to his or her own program”; and that it is unique because it has “a totally unique genetic code.”

It makes so much sense its scary.

Happy Father's Day!

Happy Father's Day to all of you Dads out there!

The bad news...

So I went for my follow up appointment today (well I guess it would be yesterday now since it is 2am) and it was short. The nurse handed me a pamphlet about early pregnancy loss. It really only confirmed what I already knew. Still, it was hard to look at the pamphlet in my lap and the results of my repeat HCG level from Monday. I wasn't surprised, but I wanted it not to be true. So many dreams gone so easily. I know we can keep trying, but I will never have that baby. Still I am thankful that I got to carry a beautiful tiny new life, a brand new soul, inside of me even if only for a very short time. And someday I hope I will meet that soul and know the person who I never got to hold in my arms.

Which do you want first, the good news or the bad news?

Well the good news is I am pregnant! I found out last Sunday and was ecstatic and a little stunned. All of our family was happy for us and it was a perfect way to end our vacation. Also I found out today that I will start my new job (day shift wahoo!!) on June 9th, thank goodness.

Now for the bad news. I started spotting yesterday... then bleeding. :( I was totally freaked out and unhappy last night. I went to the doctor this morning and he did an ultrasound which showed a sac in my uterus which was good because he was worried about an ectopic pregnancy but he said he still can't completely rule out the possibility of one. I have been feeling pretty scared about that but I am trying to remain hopeful. I am supposed to head for the ER if I get stabbing pains. So far I have just felt a little crampy but I have felt that way since before I found out I was pregnant so it really isn't new. I just feel like I am having a period. My mom said when she was pregnant with me she had a full blown period the first month. I just hope and pray I don't lose the baby. That is about all for now, I am supposed to go back on Monday to get a second HCG level drawn and then again on Tuesday for a follow up appointment. I will post updates when I know more.

Quote of the week

"It was the anti-clerical and agnostic world that was always prophesying the advent of universial peace; it is that world that was, or should have been, abashed and confounded by the advent of universal war."

-G.K. Chesterton

An Update

I am struggling but I am still here. I have applied for a new job (one that actually starts and ends in the daytime as opposed to 7:30pm to 8am- what I have been doing for awhile) and I am going to cut down my hours some in order to slow things down for awhile because of some health problems I am having. While, if I get the job, this will hopefully help my stress level and general well being, it will undoubtedly cause some financial strain. If you remember, toss a prayer or two my way and also for my wonderfully patient and supportive husband, it would be much appreciated.

Frustration, Worry, and Prayer

I am an anxious person. I worry about all kinds of things, large and small. Lately I have been worrying a lot more than is probably good for me. I don't like to worry, it is kind of like self torture but I have such a hard time trying not to. I *know* I am supposed to pray and give it up to God, knowing he has infinite wisdom in his plan for me, for my life, for the lives of my loved ones. The thing is... I am still pretty new to my faith and it is not as rock solid as it should be sometimes. I have doubts, I have fears. Mostly I am afraid of death, my own and that of my loved ones. It seems like it should be irrational to fear it, especially since I have become Catholic. Don't get me wrong, the realization that this life is not all there is and that when it ends it doesn't mean that it is THE end for us has really brought me comfort. The problem is I still fall back into old habits and thinking patterns. I suppose it makes some sense since my whole life I had those doubts and fears and questions. I have only in the last 2 years begun to see life in a different way. It doesn't really help matters that I have a few health problems that surface from time to time and make me realize my mortality very acutely. One of them is problems with my heart rate and rhythm, another is an autoimmune disease that attacks my thyroid. I sometimes become overwhelmed with fear and I find I cannot be very inspired in the prayer department at those times when I probably most should be.


I have thought about going to talk with a priest about these things, but in the end I have a feeling that it will still be my struggle alone to deal with. Maybe it is a test or maybe it is my cross to bear... but lately it has been impacting my everyday life more and that is not good, or at least I am not dealing with it well and it is affecting my husband lately too. I have set goals in life which I am failing to meet and that causes me to be more frustrated and worried. I know I should pray more about it and I am going to make a serious effort to do so, but sometimes it is hard not knowing the answer. Maybe in the long run I will realize why things are the way they are now, and God's plan for me will be revealed. It is just so hard to see that from my small and limited perspective.


Sometimes I think maybe I am making mountains out of molehills. After all, I do not lack for food, shelter, clothing, or love in my life. Perhaps I am simply spoiled and ungrateful? I have a good job, or at least one that pays the bills and allows us to set some money aside for savings every month. Not to say that my job isn't stressful, but I am luckier than most people in this world.


Well that is enough venting from me for now. Hopefully it will help relieve some of the pressure and maybe now I can focus enough to go have a conversation with God and be patient enough to wait for his answer.

I am Catholic!!!

I am finally home.

Confirmation

I am so excited that I will finally be confirmed this Saturday at Easter Vigil! My first confession was yesterday and it was a wonderfully healing experience. I feel so much lighter and I am so grateful for God's mercy and love. My sister and brother in-law are here visiting for Easter with their six week old daughter (my first niece!!) And my mother and father in-law are scheduled to arrive later this evening. I feel so blessed to have all of them in my life and also for my wonderful supportive husband. In spite of his own struggles he has helped me so much along this spiritual journey. I just feel so very glad and blessed.

Look what I made!

I knitted this for my new niece but I think it is (much) too big for her right now. Still, I was encouraged that it came out halfway decent and I think I will try again.